Sunday, August 26th, 2012

Funny Guest Post From My Mom – The Blob

by Kristen Suzanne in Uncategorized

We are in Monsoon season here in Arizona. A time of true beauty to be sure. Gorgeous sunsets, cleansing rains, and…. the occasional dust storm. I wouldn’t call a dust storm a thing of beauty, but they are kind of crazy cool. My mom wrote about one last year and I had to share it on my blog because it cracked me up. She’s a funny lady – warning… she doesn’t mince words. Enjoy the post. (You can follow her on twitter here.)

Arizona’s 2011 Wind Storm – The BLOB?

by Sunny Larson

Weather in Arizona is mostly predictable. Sun…Sun…Sun. While other areas of the country worry about snow storms, flooding, hurricanes or tornadoes, we have more sun.  BUT, we have monsoons. Monsoons bring rain and wind usually in July and August.  The day can be full of sun….and then at 4:00pm the clouds roll in… the wind starts… followed by rain if we are lucky. We are in the desert so rain is at a premium.

If you were watching the news the other day… a 7000 foot dust wall that was miles long was rolling across Phoenix and surrounding cities. It was so dense you could not see one foot in front of you. It reminded me of an old movie called, “THE BLOB.”  It was described as a massive event native Arizonians have not seen in 30 years. When I saw it filmed on TV, I called my daughter, Kristen, immediately.  She was about to go to Whole Foods.

“Hell no you’re not going! A huge dust storm is heading your way. They’ve closed the airport. Don’t leave. Take cover.” Only a mother in panic would yell. She went to her balcony and saw it rolling in the city. It was engulfing Camelback Mountain.

I called everyone I knew. This BLOB was rolling in at 60-70 miles an hour.  Some people thought I was joking.

My reply to that was…”turn on the fucking news.”

Ron next door is a Ham Operator with a huge antenna. The wind blows my direction so I had visions of his antenna blowing down on my house.  I told him the details….

“Gosh Susan… I’m just wearing my underwear.”

“I don’t give a fuck if you are buck naked… go outside and lower your damn antenna.”

I called my friend Joan to warn her to not go out. She is in her 80′s. I think at that age…nothing phases you. She had no intentions of doing anything. I think if her patio chair blew away, it would be no big deal, she would just go buy another one.

I called our friends, Chuck and Kay. They are in television limbo. Will it be Dish TV or cable or nothing? In any event, I had to warn them. Chuck said,”Well, I guess Kay and I will just blow away.”  Maybe it’s an Oklahoma attitude. They’ve seen big wind in Oklahoma.

Kristen called and said,”Don’t forget Marsha’s pool umbrella. It needs to be put next to the house.” She was right. I have to get my neighbor Marsha’s umbrella to safety.  I started to worry.

It was dark outside, the wind was picking up. My husband, Lynn, was sitting in his chair watching television, eating his barbecue chips. If the wind took the roof off our house, he would still be sitting there eating.

I said to him, “Get the flashlight, we have to take Marsha’s umbrella down.”

“Why?”

“Because the wind storm is coming. Haven’t you been listening to me?”

“Oh… her umbrella will be fine.”  He is so fucking lazy, I thought.

“Get your ass up… get the flashlight. If that umbrella blows down the golf course you are buying her another one.” Money motivates him. He immediately put the damn chip bag down.

After we got back I called a few more neighbors… and probably scared them. It’s on channels 10 and 12. It’s coming… It’s coming. put all your patio furniture against the house. I’m sure I made other people panic. Once you get other people thinking like you… you form a bond. I’m sure they thought to themselves, “Susan is a thoughtful neighbor. She is irreplaceable.”

People on the east side of town experienced the worst. The expressway had warning signs that said visibility is dangerously low. Winds are at 70 miles per hour. The wind bringing The BLOB was heading toward the west valley where I live. See for yourselves! Click the link below to take you to YouTube. The video was not available for embedding on the blog.

DRIVING INTO AZ HABOOB DUST STORM 

But get this…….It fizzled out and never made it to my neighborhood. You read that right. After I scared the crap out of my neighbors….after everyone ran outside to move patio furniture to safety (mind you, these people are senior citizens)… after Ron lowered his antenna in his Jockey shorts…the 7000 foot dust BLOB never came.

I have told Kristen many times…IT’S HARD LIVING IN THIS BODY!

I vow to calm down.  I have not seen the neighbors yet, but I hope they have a sense of humor.

 

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