I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching and evolving the past few years, and I’ve come a long way.
I noticed something today, though.
As I try to tackle my all-consuming
passions issues with healthy eating and wholesome living, I realized that I am indeed breaking out of it. Slowly and surely.
And as I realized that, I actually saw another part of my life where I was behaving in a similar way, which was going to need an intervention. Shit.
So here’s the thing. I realized I tiptoe around my daughter, trying to say the “best or right” thing. Always. I tiptoe, because, for the past seven years, I’ve been trying to watch my language so I don’t fuck her up.
Here are some examples…
Instead of saying something is good or bad, I will respond with “Oh that behavior is not appropriate… or it is appropriate.” (Depending.)
“Ahhh that show features a girl whose behavior is inappropriate. Tsk-tsk-tsk.” I think I read in some parenting book that it would be better not to label my child’s behavior as good or bad. I don’t remember why.
Well, today the same thing happened while homeschooling.
We had a situation, which has come up before, where she’s doing something that she enjoys maybe watching a show or drawing, and I have to burst her bubble and say OK let’s do a worksheet. I’ll get some grumbles from her.
“Fuck,” I think to myself, “I want a better attitude for these!!!”
But before responding in any harsh way I get my wits about me and I start rambling, in a song-songy voice, something to the effect of … “Well this is important for learning in school and my job is to teach you and I have a responsibility and I want you to do well in school because when you do well in school you can have choices in life and this is important for later on because choices give you freedom.” Yada yada yada.
When what I really want to say (and should) is, “Do the fucking work. Do you want to be an idiot when you grow up?”
But, you see, I’m afraid to say something like that even though it’s my nature to want to say that because I’m afraid of any damage I could do if I use those words. And it’s not the cussing that’s a problem… she hears that all the time, but the other words I want to hold back on.
But I’m reading Tim Ferriss’ Tools of Titans and I’m coming across these people who are brilliant and successful, and they’re mentioning things their grandpas taught them or here’s what my daddy always said or my mentor taught me blah blah blah. Things like that. And I started to wonder what is she going to say about me that I always said. What pithy, memorable, life-inspiring things am I branding her memory with?
I couldn’t think of anything.
And I realized that my tiptoeing is probably doing more harm than good.
When I realized that I need to be me, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. I was like, “Yeah! I need to say what’s on my mind and to be honest with her.” I got a little charge up my spine.
I want to be ME which should encourage her to be HER. I hope.
I remember, when I was little, my mom would put my brother and me in the car and drive us to a real fancy neighborhood with mansions, and she would say to us, “Hey, if you study, this can be yours.” Then, she would take us to a bad part of town and say, “And, if you don’t study, you’re going to end up here.”
I remember that. She was passionate about that. It left an impression.
Dammit! I want to be my punchy-self, too,