My ambition for writing got the better of me.
I suppose that’s kind of cool (tons of ambition), but I had to put the brakes on my writing schedule.
I don’t have the bandwidth to pursue this like I thought.
Something (or someone) suffers.
As most of you know, we’re traveling the world as a family – a digital nomad family. That means we’re homeschooling and worldschooling our daughter, too. The short of it is that when I “work” my daughter doesn’t get a patient mom.
Homeschooling is a lot of effort, and my former process of managing it (versus being a more active participant) doesn’t feel right in my gut.
My intuition is telling me to slow the fuck down.
You see, I probably could squeeze writing time into my life.
I could live a fragmented day of writing in pockets whenever a chance presents. However, the reality is that I can get interrupted numerous times – not good for a newbie writer. I could write early in the a.m. or late into the evening uninterrupted. Then I could homeschool, do those domestic things in the middle of the day, etc.
But wait, where’s the “me” time in all that?
Where’s the time to exercise and live a calmer life? Meditation? Take a walk? Enjoy a podcast? Not much time for those things, none really. It would be a busy life. The kind where I’m squeezing things in.
I want a calm-ish life.
I don’t want a fragmented one.
I want my morning time to be for my coffee, thoughts, and meditating. I want to write uninterrupted, because if I get interrupted all the time I eventually lose my shit and fangs appear. I just can’t do everything and do it all well.
I’m not saying I have to be perfect.
Rather, if I’m going to write, I want to give it my all and do a good job. Same goes for being a mom and a homeschooler. And a wife. And, living well by caring for myself and making sure I am exercising, meditating, etc.
Frankly, I don’t want my daughter’s education to suffer because I’m too busy. I don’t want to write shitty because I didn’t have the proper focus for it. Nor do I want to fall into bed too exhausted for pillow talk.
I don’t want my days to go by in a blur.
I don’t want to keep saying “hurry up.”
I do want to write fiction, but because I’ve never done it, it’ll require a learning curve. Extended time for focus. I could force it to work, but something would suffer and that doesn’t sound fun.
So, my previous writing schedule is on hold. I have more space in my life now, which means more calm. Better mom, better wife. I’ll have a better life.
I feel peace with this decision. I had a big exhale the moment I realized what was right for me.
I expect I will write someday.
I have a vision of myself writing while sitting in a lounge chair on the Amalfi Coast. So, I’ll continue reading and learning, but with no pressures on time for now. These days I spend more time with my daughter exploring the world and immersing ourselves… without my mind constantly wandering to “I gotta write.”