mid life crisis Archives - Kristen Helmstetter

Does that sound outlandish? Or weird? Or, maybe it sounds interesting?

I didn’t know where to begin with writing about this, because I have so much to say. The bottom line: I felt a kind of burning desire to share what’s going on in my life, because I’ve had the most profound changes.

The short of it is… I decided to become a millionaire. The long of it is, I’m not one yet(!), and this is my journey to make it happen.

Deciding to become a millionaire didn’t start with me saying, “I’m going to be a millionaire.” There’s much more to the story and how I got to this point to confidently declare my goal. I’ve gone through an unexpected transformation, and I stumbled upon a massive geyser of happiness along the way. I dramatically changed and I’m living the best life ever.

Sounds awesome, right? Well, it is… but a year ago I didn’t feel like I do today.

In spite of my history with kicking ass and taking charge with a Type-A personality, making things happen in my life, and being positive more often than not, I was also gripped with both real and imagined fears in my life. While I worked with what I had to shush them, hide them, and organize a life trying to fix or band-aid them, it wasn’t completely working. I had days of happy and I had days of not as happy. And, frankly, that wasn’t good enough for me. I believed there was more… something more.

As I’m no stranger to self-help, self-awareness was tapping my shoulder to get my shit together and tune into this intuition that there was a massively better way of living. But I didn’t know how!

For the past 20 years, I’d used principles taught by Tony Robbins, Taoism, meditation and the like. There’s no doubt those things were life-changing and greatly helped me shape a better life. Tony Robbins’ work helped me understand people and relationships (I used his principles to help me find my amazing husband), Taoism made me a better parent and kept me calm in TSA security lines, meditation gave me the default pause necessary before losing my shit so I could take a breath and relax.

But, it just wasn’t enough anymore. Where was the magic?

I knew, deep down inside my heart, that there was more in life. A lot more. I wanted an even brighter life. I wanted to wake up every day living a legendary life! I wanted the craziest awesome resilience you could find. If shit bullets were coming at me, I wanted to move like Neo in the Matrix.

I just knew that there was something massive to tap into, and I simply wasn’t plugged into it yet.

Hmmm, I didn’t know how.

So… life goes on. I’m treading water relatively successfully, but we all know treading isn’t the way ultimately. We were housesitting in a tiny village in France at the time, and I was having a moment where I felt anxious about life and a bit lost. I felt unsure about our future and I wanted a plan.

So, I did what I always do. I started crunching numbers, throwing out figures, using colored pens on paper, and detailing how we could get from A to Z. Numbers and plans always brought me comfort. The resulting plan was a bit daunting, but not unsurmountable. Go from A to B to C to D to E to F … all the way to Z. That’s how you do things, right? Linearly. Always?

However, something still felt off.

It all felt too hard – that’s the best way I can describe it. Like going from treading to swimming upstream. It didn’t feel enjoyable. I had a plan, but I wasn’t drawn to it for some weird reason. I was longing for some sprinkling of pixie dust, for something magical to happen. Some direction that would make me feel like the plan was intuitive and effortless. But no matter how hard I looked, I couldn’t find that sparkle.

Unsure of how to proceed, I took a break one day and looked for something to read. I found an audiobook on our former local library website, and I decided I’d take a listen. I was intrigued because this book had come up before and I’d ignored it. This third or fourth time, I thought the universe might be giving me a little nudge.

Being an occasional crystal-carrying member of society, I try to pay attention to nudges like that, but I’m not always good about it. This time, I decided not to hit the snooze button on the universe. I opened my mind. I figured I’d just see what this book was about and if it wasn’t good, at least I could cross it off the list and move on.

“When the student is ready, the teacher appears.”
Tao Te Ching

The book was Becoming Supernatural by Dr. Joe Dispenza.

My life would never be the same after I read that book.

A lot has happened since then, and I plan to write about it all, because this book took my life on a journey, and it got me thinking about everything differently. Everything. So differently. So many WHAT IFS?!

The first thing that happened is I learned there could be a different life out there for me, an epic life, of my design. Imagine that! Although at the time, I had no idea what that would mean or how to do it. Turns out, I couldn’t know what it would mean, but I felt it! I cracked and light came in.

What if?! What if?! What if?!

But first? CHANGE!

The immediate truth I embraced was that I had a lot of subconscious programming that had to change. And, like, OMG I had no idea I needed this. I thought I was a truly competent, can-handle-anything gal. Turns out, I needed a real phoenix-like rebirth. I couldn’t continue with the status quo anymore. The old “me” was holding me back.

I recognized that two modes of living were strangling me: fear and scarcity. They lived stealthily, in the shadows, mostly hidden from conscious view, or disguised as noble traits such as discipline and prudence. But upon reading Becoming Supernatural, whoa-ho-ho, I came to see them as something vastly different.

They were my demons.

Then, I discovered that I could completely reprogram my thinking, and open doors to dimensions I’d never considered before. Dimensions I never knew existed! Places where fear and scarcity were no longer in charge.

I finished the book feeling both excited and overwhelmed. I knew there was work to do — a LOT — because I was about to become a new person. I would be changing everything I knew, all my behaviors. Yet, I found comfort in the tiniest of baby steps towards this transformation, because even the smallest of things were making profound differences in my life.

From Defense to Offense

Instead of waking up with eyes squinting, tinged with apprehension and a bit of stink-eye toward my day and life’s potential curve balls, I was now more often awakening wide-eyed and bushy-tailed. Curious. In awe for what the day might bring. I felt as though I was drawing the most amazing life toward me with each passing day.

Even though I wasn’t sure of the exact strategy to get me from A to Z, I became open to the idea that maybe I didn’t need to be so strategic in my thinking. Life is wiggly, full of curve balls. I would get bendy with it! I had more to learn and I was eager! Things were shifting.

A couple of weeks later, the France housesit finished, and we visited the United States for a month. As I was actively working through these issues (reprogramming myself to a new way of living), I was warned that it’s a big undertaking when you reprogram your subconscious. It’s described as “crossing the river of change” and you had better be prepared for all kind of inner warfare to happen inside your head while doing it. I read that it could even feel painful, which I thought was all a bit dramatic!

Full of excitement, I was like, “Well, let’s get this over with. I’m ready to try this new life. Out with the old and in with the new, baby.” My history of seeking and embracing change would surely propel me with ease across this so-called “river of change.” I like change!

Well, fuck me. Two weeks later I had a breakdown.

Full blown anxiety. A mid-life crisis-like event. Whatever you want to call it, I was suddenly falling into a deep well of darkness. I was practically immobilized. My god, I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. And I didn’t know what to do about it. At the time, I had no idea why I felt so shitty being in my own skin.

I felt paralyzed with fear, nausea, and dizziness. But I was confused as to why. Was I sick? I started running scenarios through my head … Is it hormones? Do I have a brain tumor? Is it my diet? What the heck is going on? This isn’t me!!!

I mean, COME ON(!!!), here I am working on these remarkable changes in my life, being “reborn,” for lack of a better term. In theory, I am jazzed! I’m tackling two themes that dominated my life for 20 years. Kicking my demons’ asses! YESSS!!!

Well, it turns out, those warnings about what can happen to people making these changes weren’t over-dramatic after all. My “crossing the river of change” was the exact cause of my anxiety, and it felt like it was suffocating me. My body longed to use my old habit of high-beta brainwave thinking to live and make sense of life. Those methods had become my safety zone, and I drew upon them in times of crises to plow through life, and they had worked. But, did they really?

I had to let it all go. Die off.

I was excited to yank my old thought patterns up by the roots and try something totally different. My shiny, new, and bright life was calling me, but I had to make changes in my head first. I would have to completely reprogram myself. And it might not be fun.

I realized that, oh my god, this is what it feels like to change, down at the cellular level, when turning your back on addictions. I was addicted to old behaviors that had gotten me through life, and I needed to let go of those to make way for a new way to live.

Well, I finally came to terms with what was happening. I knew I was wading across that river of change, and it sucked.

I decided to dive deeper into Dr. Joe’s work. Time to double down so I don’t drown in this shitty river. I knew I needed more help, so I decided to read another one of his books, You Are the Placebo.

Totally inspired (and desperate), I implemented placebo self-talk into my anxiety. I walked and walked and walked while basically cramming affirmations down my throat. I, literally, said over and over again (and over and over again), “I’m great! I feel great! Everything is great. I feel great. I’m OK! All is well! I’m grrrrreeeeaaaaattttttt!!!” I spent days wearing a path in my mother-in-law’s hallways just walking and talking to myself.

Slowly… over the course of that week, I started to come out of my dark place. I stayed committed to my changes to be a new person, not even knowing exactly what that would look like yet, but I’d had hints. I did know what I could no longer be like though. I eventually came out the other side of that river, crawling onto the bank like a weak, wobbly, freezing newborn calf. I shakily got up and stood. Then, slowly, I started walking as that new baby calf. The potential of new life coursing through me, but still vulnerable to predators. Still learning and completing the change.

Deep, deep, deep down inside me, I knew I was on the right track. I sensed this was a better way to live even though I still didn’t completely understand it all. I just knew there was an energy to tap into, but I couldn’t do that until I’d let the old me die.

“You can’t be in contraction and expansion at the same time.”
Dr. Joe Dispenza

Step by step… I was feeling better and better every day because I was doing the work: learning, listening, reading, immersing, following special meditations, and changing.

In hindsight, I think the drastic breakdown had been fueled by our trip back to the U.S. I had already been in the river, changing, prior to going back to the states. Then, I was thrown back into an old lifestyle that wreaked of the old Kristen everywhere I turned, and the river flooded with waves that beat at me. It was much easier making the dramatic life change on another continent!

When we left the states again, in my new baby-like form, I was uplifted with rocket speed.

We landed in Porto, Portugal, and I was blessed with listening to an online recording of Dr. Joe teaching his course. I devoured it like a starving dog scarfing down a steak. I learned more, felt more, and became inspired and encouraged for the road I was on. I downloaded more of Dr. Joe’s unique and amazing guided meditations. I started doing them every day. Sometimes twice a day! I continued making more changes as I was really shaking off all the old me and trying out this new way of living.

Soon after, I graduated. That fucking shitty river was far behind me. I was a completely new me. Along the way, I learned that there are many doors to dimensions I can go through in life. It was up to me to think them into existence, feel their sexy power, and welcome these new directions in life with open arms.

It’s interesting, but in spite of having thought I lived a “positive thinker” life before, I’ve never lived life like I am now. I’ve tapped into the energy I sensed was there, and awakened. Doctor Joe’s book, Becoming Supernatural, got me living and thinking differently as my life went from a mode of contraction to expansion, from a mentality of scarcity to abundance. Now, I’m on fire and I’ve emerged a whole, worthy, amazing woman excited about my present and future.

Since then, over the past year, many more awesome things have crossed my path and helped me sustain this new me. I continued to evolve, and then evolved some more, like stages of a rocket, launching me at supersonic speed just as things started to normalize. I’ve experienced a “new new” every couple of months for the past year. I guess it’s a never-ending journey and I’ve decided to start writing about it, to help others experience the same continuous geyser of bliss.

I’ve gone through a transformation by changing from the inside out, with that breakdown that led to a breakthrough. My self-help journey blew my life wide open, and I’m writing about everything I’ve gone through and continue to go through. There’s a LOT there. I have a whole toolkit to share and I hope that by writing about all of this I can help someone else find their most magnificent life.

Phew – okay, with all that said, back to the millionaire thing. (Btw, “millionaire” is just my convenient label for abundance. Your goal, or number, if you choose to embark on this journey with me, can be anything you want. But I think we’d all agree that “millionaire” has a nice ring to it!)

In my journey of creating a future with things like becoming a millionaire, I ended up finding the deepest peace and love for life I ever thought possible, and I’m not rolling in money yet. It’s not that I thought only money would bring me happiness or that I wouldn’t have such a magical life without it. But it’s okay to create anything you want in life, whether it’s money, health, vitality, love, peace, a bigger apartment, a baby, anything at all.

That’s what I’ve done — I’ve spent the year creating all kinds of things and some are still growing in the incubator, while others have already manifested. I’m confident I can make anything happen now with this recipe of continuous self-love, mind-blowing meditations, and the eye-opening quantum.

So, while I’m not a millionaire — yet — it’s coming and I can feel it. My journey continues. I would be delighted if you would come along with me! Stay tuned.

Next up:
Post 2: How I Started My Life Change to Become a Happy Sexy Millionaire